If my experiences have taught me anything, it's that there's a hierarchy to the human world, and it follows a similar order to that of the dinosaur jungle. It works like this: women are raptors; men are T-Rexes; narcopaths are Indominus Rexes, the genetic hybrid that makes its first appearance in Jurassic World. Oh, and I'll let you guess who is the real-life analog of Robert Muldoon from Jurassic Park. If it takes you more than one guess, you're probably a T-Rex. Chin up. There's no shame in that.
This metaphor could just as easily work with Planet of the Apes, but I am more of a Jurassic Park girl myself, mostly because everybody loves a raptor. I might be a little obsessed with them.
Disclaimer: This post is anything but PC. If you're a sensitive or easily offended male, then do what I do and just don't read the rest. Also, there is a curse word. I'm sorry. I just couldn't help myself. Plus, I spent three months in jail. You do come out cursing like a sailor.
Women Are Raptors
For those of you not familiar with raptors, they are the mini geniuses of the jungle. Clever and spunky, they don't like cages and will test every inch of theirs, gathering information as they go. They work well in teams. They eat out of hunger, and they spend most of their time and energy looking for their next meal, which of course hits close to home for me--I am an extremely food-motivated creature and can be trained to complete complex tasks in exchange for medium rare steak, similar to a raptor. They are graceful and quick. They don't like bullies, and they make friends easily, even with humans. As long as said humans are kind and entertaining like Chris Pratt.
That's right, Mr. Muldoon, we are clever. Rustle, rustle, bitches. (And for those of you who don't get this comment, the raptor makes a rustling sound in the bushes when she is about to strike after the hunter has been distracted by the decoy raptor, also female. Just sayin'.)
P.S. - Male raptors do exist but are extremely rare. Thus the reason I am still single. They are typically smaller in stature but bright and very affectionate with the female raptor. Is there some raptor mating call that I just didn't learn with the rest of the class?
Men Are T-Rexes
What the T-Rex lacks in brains, beauty, and grace, he makes up for using brute force. He poses a large threat to the raptor population, but raptors are like spider monkeys. If you attack one of their friends, you better be ready to have one on your neck, making you wish you had eaten one of those Edmontosaurus instead. Still, I think the raptors understand the T-Rex; he is, after all, just in it for a meal like they are.
I think my favorite part of this scene is when the raptor lifts up the plastic curtain, sees her prey on the floor like an easy meal, and has a look on her face that clearly says, "Louise, get your scrawny butt over here--the Louboutins are half price and THERE'S NO LINE AT THE REGISTER." The raptor who lifts up the plastic curtain has a name, by the way. It's Thelma.
My personal, pet theory is that the T-Rex is just lonely. He's Steve Butabi and needs to reunite with his brother, Doug, to bring balance and order to the universe.
Narcopaths Are Indominus Rexes
There's only one Indominus Rex. He makes his appearance in Jurassic World and is a genetic hybrid between a T-Rex and a raptor. He is a clever con artist with the brute force to get exactly what he wants. First, that's freedom from his cage. But unlike raptors, the Indominus Rex doesn't want freedom for the sake of being free. He is a true narcopath who kills for sport. He's dangerous.
The Dinosaur Alliance
Once in a while, Raptors and T-Rexes team up to stop the narcopath that the dumb humans let loose in the dinosaur kingdom. Initially, the raptor squad is tricked into following the indominus rex due to his raptor-like clicking sounds. Like the sweet, naive little ones they are, they believe he is one of them, only realizing at the end of the movie how wrong they were.
This scene gives me chills. Do you see how that raptor launches herself at the Indominus Rex? Such beauty and grace. Blue, I love you, my sister from another mother.
Raptor out. I'm hungry after all this writing.