Harley Quinn and I Have So Much in Common

The soundtrack for Suicide Squad came out just before I got arrested the second time, and I was listening to it on loop during my last days of running and freedom before my three-month nightmare officially began. I was pretty disappointed that I missed this movie while I was in jail because I was really looking forward to it, but I used my flight to the Big Apple last week to catch up on film-watching. 

Despite the fact that Suicide Squad wasn't a fantastic movie, I was quite taken with it. Correction: I was quite taken with Harley Quinn, partly because she and I have so much in common. Allow me to explain, starting at the beginning of the film.

Dr. Quinn starts her story as a wide-eyed nerd girl. See those big glasses? Granted, I don't wear my glasses during the day, but they do come out at night. The wide-eyed, innocent look, however, is a 24-7 feature for me. My Godfather calls me Bambi. As in the Disney character. Get your head outta the gutter, people. Dr. Quinn is a trusting Bambi at the beginning of the movie who got thrown into the lion's den.

And boy, do I get that. She goes in to save the sociopath--"I can save him with my love, I just know I can"--but in the end, she falls for him. He takes over her mind and makes her crazy. I got out okay, but Harley is a true convert to the crazy side of the force. Did you know there's a third side of the force they don't like to mention in the Star Wars films? It's called the crazy side, and it is, you guessed it, batshit crazy. Fortunately, the light side is strong enough to balance out the crazy side and the dark side. We're cool like that.

Like me, she believes that what you wear to the fight is just as important as the fight itself. Remember when she gets her box of goodies back when the Squad is preparing for its big battle? She's got a whole wardrobe in that thing and only two weapons (gun and baseball bat, right? Or did I miss something?). I'm all about fabulous wardrobes. We're having a Tiki Boat Party for my MBA program at Chapman University, and my first thought was, "I need to buy a dress." Obviously, Harley and I value the important things in life.

Here's the clincher, or the part that actually got me crying during this movie. (Side Note: I got a lot of hate on Dateline's Facebook page for "crying too much" during the episode. Sorry I'm sensitive and have emotions. Sorry having two sociopaths viciously attack me over a property they can't even afford and having my whole life turned upside down is still incredibly raw and painful. #NotSorry #StopReadingCommentsMichelle #IHateInternetTrolls)

Anyways, remember when the Enchantress shows them all a vision of what their hearts truly desire? Harley sees a vision of herself with Joker in a happy family setting. It almost broke my heart. I'm actually crying as I write this because I'm remembering that scene. That's how easy I cry. So haters, keep hating, cuz there ain't nothin' I can do about it.

But I totally get her. What she really wants is a peaceful life with the man she loves. Unfortunately, the man she loves isn't a peaceful person, and he can't be. Sociopaths don't change because they can't change. They're incapable of change. But...I will admit that, when I saw Jared Leto in this scene, I was intrigued. Obviously, I have a thing for converting the bad boy--Loki goes Avenger and maybe Joker joins the Justice League? Hey, anything could happen. I'm just working on theory and possibility at this point.

Finally, after our beloved squad defeats the bad(der) guys, they negotiate their rewards. I thought freedom was a pretty reasonable request, but man, those government hard asses, am I right? 

You all remember what Harley requested, right? Ring any bells? My fellow espresso-loving badass lady! She gets an espresso machine in her cell! And she reads romance novels while drinking her shots of espresso over and over and over again.

I'll paint you a picture. The lights never turn off in jail, but they dim down for "lights out." Around 4:20 am, all the lights turn on again. I get woken up in typical jailhouse fashion at 4:30 am with the following call over the speaker box in our cell: "Count time! Count time! Ladies, time to wake up and get in FULL JAIL ISSUE. It's count time!" That's your cue to scramble out of your bunk like a hungry little spider monkey, tear off the oversized t-shirt they call PJs in jail, and scurry into the navy blue jumpsuit, old man socks, and orange jelly sandals they call "Full Jail Issue." You get your shitty breakfast. And if you're me and you find it difficult to sleep through glaring overhead lights or after you've already been woken, you've got a lot of time to kill. When the deputies passed by our cells for the post-breakfast count, they typically found Pauline (my 71-year old cellmate) asleep and me sitting at our one tiny communal table, book open in front of me and sipping from a plastic mug of lukewarm instant coffee.

The point is, when I saw that scene at the end of Suicide Squad where she is reading a book and sipping coffee, it took me back. That is totally me, I thought! On top of it all, she had curlers in her hair. I had hair curlers! In fact, hair curlers were my only piece of jailhouse contraband, and oh, it made me feel so rebel. The other girls (who really doted on me and were surprisingly kind) made me a set of hair curlers from clean, brand new rolls of toilet paper. After you take your shower during your one hour of dayroom time, you put these highly effective little curlers in, and your hair comes out fabulous the next day. You have to be careful, though. If the deputies catch you with them, you could get in big trouble. I never got caught. ;)

Ultimately, everyone is afraid of Harley Quinn because she's the ultimate badass. I almost wish that it was true when a 6'3" law enforcement officer who's licensed to carry concealed weapons (and owns tons) wrote that he was so afraid of me he had to have his mom (who had a handicap placard in California) fly down from Iowa to...protect him, I guess? And this is after I left everything to get away from him--I am running and hiding in full-on flight mode. 

Man, I only wish. If he had really been afraid of me, then I could legitimately claim Harley-level badass status, but I guess this is the one area where I can only aspire to be like Harley.

Hats off to the Joker's lady. You really are a queen. A crazy one, but a queen nonetheless. In her honor, I'm listening to "Gangsta" by Kehlani right now. You've checked out my Spotify playlist, right?